Meet Jessie. My fourth mama for this project. I had chosen red for her. I was told by her best friend that red is her favorite color. So I thought it was suiting to assign the color red to Jessie. This is her story.
"I know this isn't something that will be easy to read, because it is not something that is easy to write...
On August 27th, 2020 I went for your ultrasound check up. At this point I was about 24 weeks. There was a new doctor that was learning how to do his job and I obviously didn't mind, but he couldn't find your heartbeat. My heart started to sink but I thought maybe he's just not picking it up as fast as the other doctors.. the other doctor came in and tried. No heartbeat. I started to panic. I already knew that my hopes and dreams for you were vanishing, my brain got clouded as your dad came in the room and wrapped his arms around me. The doctors told me they were going to send me to this clinic within the hour to use a better ultrasound machine and check. I already knew you were gone. I faded out of my body at this point. The nurse looked terrified to tell me anything, she call in another radiologist to confirm. He looked cold, as if he had no care one way or the other what is to happen to us. After it was verified that you no longer had a heart beat, and you had passed away the radiologist just looked and me and shook his head and said "no". My voice broke and I whisper "ok what do I do?" My doctor was to call me back and I was to be sent to the hospital within that day to start the process of induced labour. I was scared, balling and there was no way around it. Your dad was the only thing that pulled me through, though he was hurting just as bad.
I will tell you every oz of pain was and will continue to be worth seeing your little face, a spitting image of your dad. Holding your little hand, kissing you and telling you how much we truly love you.
We are richer by far for having but a moment in your life then never at all. Joeseph Michael Albert Dunnigan ❤ Born August 28th, 2020 at 11:53 PM. Seven minutes to midnight true to a dooms day clock. Our precious first born son and love of my life. I never knew my love could be so great, I never knew what I was capable of. Until you. Before this I wouldn't have known that a stillbirth happens in Canada 1 out of every 125 pregnancies. I wouldn't have known what pain and grief really were. But I also wouldn't have known what it was like to love so deeply. In the end you had an umbilical cord stricture. A thinning of your umbilical cord with no protecting Wharton's jelly. You outgrew your umbilical cord. There is not enough scientific study's done to know why this happens. I get the feeling now like all my loved ones are patiently waiting until the day I finally move past this, well here's what I have to say for those waiting for me to 'let it go.' My loss transformed me into someone who wants nothing more than to change the cultural conversations surrounding this topic. In other words don't hold your breathe, I intend to talk about this and you little baby Joey until the end of time. If ANYONE is going through a stillbirth, a miscarriage, neonatal death, SID's or your child past away for any reason during anytime please reach out to me and I will help you the best I can. The only way I'm getting through this is knowing I have the love and support from the wonderful family and friends I have. But one thing I know is I couldn't have done this without your dad. Finding out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby had so many mixed emotions that came along with it. Fear, anxiety, along with disappointment in myself that I couldn't do it the first time. But also so much love, happiness and gratitude. We cannot wait to meet you baby Jackson, just a few short weeks and you will be home safe in our arms."
Welcome Jackson!
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